If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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