just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
