I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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