So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
