talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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