Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize