I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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