i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
