Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
