I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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