That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
