Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
