Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
