I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
