my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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