my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
