we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
