Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
don't judge my taste in strippers
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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