Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
