You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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