That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
