he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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