Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
