Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
