Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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