I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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