Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
