i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
