We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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