I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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