Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
