Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
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I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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