You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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