the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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