Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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