U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
