and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
