she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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