you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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