Sry I called you an 8
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
