I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
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We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Boobs are out for the taking
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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