My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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