operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
