Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
