I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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