are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
