I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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