You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
