even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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