you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
