A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize