it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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