I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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