Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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