just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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