You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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