This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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