I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize