You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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